Tail Talk

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the gate before its closes.

2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

4. Flights never leave from Gate 1 at any terminal in the world.

5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

7. The passenger sitting inside to you has a weak bladder.

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9. Another middle seat problem. If identical twins are flying you can be sure they will be assigned seating either side of you.

10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

11. You have seen all the films before, or if not the one you fancy either breaks down in the middle or is just about to reach the climax when the system closes down for the landing.

12. There is nothing on the menu that you fancy except the one item that has gone before the cabin service reaches you.

13. And finally when you do make it to the rest room it is engaged, the cabin staff then reminding you that under the new regulations queuing is forbidden. You are beaten to the door next time around!

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, these are from a major national / sovereign airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. .
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget!

Ferry & Positioning Flight Aircraft to Ground Transcripts...

• Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!"
  Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
  
  
• Tower:  "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
  TWA 2341:  "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
  Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
  
  
• From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue: "I'm f...ing  bored!"
  Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
  Unknown aircraft: "I said I was  f...ing bored, not f...ing  stupid!"
  
  
• O'Hare  Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,  one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
  United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
  
  
• A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. 
  While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your last known position?"
  Student: "When I was number one for take-off."
  
  
• A  DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.  San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
  
  
• There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".  
  Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. 
  "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
  
  
• Tower:  "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
  Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
  Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
  BR Continental 635: "Continental 635 cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
  
  
• One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
  Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
  The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
  
  
• While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
  An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
  Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
  "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
  Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
  Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
  Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
  

Things we have seen on our travels:

Have you seen anything on your travels? If so, you may email it to us for inclusion on this page. Credit will be given for anything published.

• A restaurant in Limassol Cyprus, tempting item on the menu……….
  AVOCADO STUFFED WITH CRAP MEAT.
  
  
• Cocktail lounge, Norway:
  LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
  
  
• At a Budapest zoo:
  PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
  
  
• Doctors office, Rome:
  SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
  
  
• Hotel, Acapulco:
  THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
  
  
• Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
  COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
  
  
• Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
  WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR.
  
  
• Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
  DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
  
  
• Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
  TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.
  
  
• In a Nairobi restaurant:
  CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
  
  
• On the grounds of a private school:
  NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
  
  
• On an Athi River highway:
  TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
  
  
• On a poster at Kencom:
  ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
  
  
• In a City restaurant:
  OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
  
  
• One of the Mathare buildings:
  MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
  
  
• A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
  DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
  
  
• In a Pumwani maternity ward:
  NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
  
  
• In a cemetery:
  PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
  
  
• Sign in Japanese public bath:
  FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
  
  
• Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
  GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
  
  
• On the menu! of a Swiss restaurant:
  OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
  
  
• In a Tokyo bar:
  SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
  
  
• In a Bangkok temple:
  IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
  
  
• Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
  PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM
  
  
• Hotel brochure, Italy:
  THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
  
  
• Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
  THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
  
  
• Hotel elevator, Paris:
  PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
  
  
• Hotel, Yugoslavia:
  THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
  
  
• Hotel, Japan:
  YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
  
  
• Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
  NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
  
  
• Supermarket, Hong Kong:
  FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
  
  
• From the "Soviet Weekly":
  THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
  
  
• In an East African newspaper:
  A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
  
  
• Hotel, Vienna:
  IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
  
  
• An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
  TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
  
  
• Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
  TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
  
  
• Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
  WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
  
  
• In the window on a Swedish furrier:
  FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.
  
  
• The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
  GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
  
  
• In a Swiss mountain inn:
  SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
  
  
• Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
  WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
  
  
• A laundry in Rome:
  LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

• Every take-off is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
  If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
  
  
• Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
  
  
• It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than being up there wishing you were down here.
  
  
• The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
  
  
• The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
  When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky
  
  
• A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
  
  
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
  
  
• Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
  
  
• Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you've made.
  
  
• There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
  
  
• You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
  
  
• Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them
  
  If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
  
  
• In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
  
  
• Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
  
  
• It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
  
  
• Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed
  
• Remember: gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's a law that is not subject to repeal.
  
  
• The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, a runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.